My Story of Having Relations With The Wrong Guy
For the last year and a half, I have experienced what many Christians call a dry season. Throughout this time, I went astray from God's word. At first, it was little things, like I wouldn't have my quiet time in the morning, or I wouldn't go to my small group, or say a prayer before I go to bed. Eventually, I stopped doing it all together. Throughout this time, I knew my boundaries and knew that I didn't want to fall in to deep so I strayed away from some things. I eventually ended up back in the same place God pulled me out of. I thought that if I didn't do what seemed to be the real "big" sins I would be okay. I soon realized the "little" ones would lead me to them. Yes, I know there's no little or big sins but sometimes it feels like it. Especially in today's society, we make it seem like the person who has committed murder is worse than the person who committed adultery. Although it is very wrong to kill someone else, it's also wrong to create an ungodly soul tie with someone God hadn't planned for you to be with, that's an act of robbery. Also, God stated in 1 John 5:17 that "All wrongdoing is sin, and there is sin that does not lead to death." This is my story of the sin that didn't lead to physically death but to spiritual death.
To understand how I ended up where I did, we must start back to when I started college. I was so eager to finally start a new chapter in my life, without my parents, without boundaries and with new adventures ahead of me. Before I went away to college, I was an avid member of my church, I was strong in my faith up until the summer before college. I started to fall into sin, but I knew when I went to college I wanted to find a group of strong believers to surround myself with because I wanted to stay grounded in Christ. Upon arriving to college, I started to talk a guy. At first, it was small talk then we eventually started having more in depth conversations; so it seemed. It didn't seem to be a big deal to me because I was talking to numerous of excited freshmen about our new life at school and planning on hanging out. When I got to college, I instantly made friends with some amazing girls and my roommate. We all made a bond that is indescribable. As a group we decided to go to a party that was considered one of the "biggest parties of the year." This is where my downfall began. We as Christians are to not be unequally yoked.. So what was I, as a woman of God doing at a party? What was a barely lit light (because I was already struggling prior to coming to college) doing in the darkness? I fell prey to the enemy yet again. I had conformed to the ways of the world by not dressing modestly, engaging in dancing that wasn't pleasing to God and listening to secular music. At the party, I was exposed to many things... many demons, which attached to my spirit woman because of prior demonic spirits I had allowed myself to engage with during the summer and some past experiences before then. This is when I became addicted to the darkness.
After that, I never missed a party. I was always there... in the darkness. My light soon was dimmed, overshadowed by the dark. I became one with the world. I lost all my morals. Now of course, the devil wouldn't be him if he didn't try to keep you bound in sin, so he sent me a piece of forbidden fruit.. the boy I was conversing with prior to coming to college. We didn't talk for the first couple weeks of school but one day he text me asking to hang out. Me being apart of the darkness now, the demons inside of me was attracted to the demons inside of him (yes, demons because he was not a born again Christian and I was a backslidden Christian.) We agreed to hangout that night. When he arrived that's when I knew there was no turning back, our demons had bonded. We started to hangout and fall into sin with one another ever since then, that is when the ungodly soul tie formed. There seemed to be no cure to this cancerous disease. After months of this toxic relationship, it ended due to me finding out he was involved with someone else (shocking right? that's pretty typical for someone who is unsaved!) Months past and the demons inside of him was missing him, so I tried to feel the void by talking to other guys and partying.. nothing was like him. I eventually gave in and contacted him and we rekindled the old flame. The semester started to dwindle down and we continued a never ending cycle of fighting and making up. When December came I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained. One night while I was walking from his dorm, I broke down and begged God to forgive me. I asked for deliverance and He told me to text him and end the relationship and I did. I began to get back in the word of God. Over the Christmas break, I went back home. For that whole month, I started going back to church and was being filled with the Holy Spirit. I finally started to feel normal again. As the break came to an end, I was worried that I would fall back into sin, that's when my friend Cierra who goes to LSU told me about Sigma Phi Lambda, a Christian sorority. After praying about it, I decided to join. The girls were amazing and held me accountable. Towards the end of the spring semester I stopped chasing after God. My ungodly soul tie was never properly addressed and it got the best of me. I got in contact with the same guy and once again fell into temptation. This caused the beginning of a new depth into my dry season.
After the semester ended, I returned back to Texas. I started working and became a lukewarm Christian. Sometimes I read the Bible and sometimes I didn't. I didn't communicate with the guy because I knew in my heart, I wanted to end the relationship and it would be best for me. But towards the end of the summer, I contacted him again. Our demons were excited to be in contact with one another. We ended up planning to hang out as soon as I returned back to school. Once I returned, we hung out almost every couple days or so. I continually fell into temptation. In September I didn't feel like myself, I began to feel different. I met up with him one morning just to talk and grab a bite to eat. I told him I had scheduled a doctor's appointment to see what was wrong and I went to the doctor. After leaving the doctor I messaged him and told him I was pregnant. He was filled with anger and blamed me for "trapping' him. He told me I needed to get an abortion. We didn't talk after that but the next day I told him I wasn't getting an abortion because it is against my faith (the faith I had abandoned to please myself.) He told me he couldn't be there because he already had children. I felt alone, stupid and ashamed. I felt as though I couldn't go to God because I had walked away from Him and chose a guy (who barely conversed with me when we were together and I barely knew him to be honest) over him. I told my parents and was shocked that through their disappointment and pain, they supported me and my decision of choosing life for my child. I began to inform my friends in my immediate circle, everyone uplifted me in prayer. A special friend (who is now my child's godmother) Abby took it a step above and beyond. She was there like no other, going to doctor appointments, cooking for me, taking me to church, sending me scriptures, keeping me encouraged, her mom even came into town to pray with me and to make sure I wouldn't choose an abortion. Months past and I slowly began to forgive myself and return to God, then in November the boy messaged me apologizing for the things he had said to me and promised to be there. I fell for the trap again because I still had yet to properly address the soul tie we had created. We started to hang out again and I fell into temptation. I informed him on my decision to move back to Texas at the end of that semester. He filled my ears with sweet, simple nothings and promises that he never fulfilled. A week before I left, he began to become flaky once again and told me he wouldn't be apart of my child's life. At this point I was over it.
I moved back to Texas and didn't speak to him until I found out the gender. I decided to let him know. He didn't care and after an argument told me to leave him alone. During this time, I still wasn't close to God like I was. I was afraid to chase after him like I used to because I thought I was worthless now, but God showed me I wasn't. Throughout my whole pregnancy, he placed people in my life who blessed me more than I could imagine. He made sure I knew he was ravished with me and my unborn child and that my child was good, with or without his father. I finally gave birth to my son, Carson, and revealed him to the world. Everyone was shocked because I only told a handful of people. God revealed how much He loved me through my son. He was beautiful. After I had him I was in tears because I couldn't believe how precious he was. I couldn't believe I had the privilege to call him mines. I realized that's how God viewed me. I am his precious daughter that he is proud to call His! A month later, I decided to let his father know I had him because I didn't want my son to grow up and think I didn't try everything in my power to involve him in his life.. Fortunately, he was/is uninterested to be involved. I say fortunately because it has made me realize he wasn't the one God has planned for me. Through this realization, I have been able to address the ungodly soul tie he and I created and have been healed through repentance by the Holy Spirit.
I am a proud single mother. I am confident that God is preparing a man for me that will love my son and I. Until then, I am thankfully for the God-fearing men God is placing in Carson's life who will minster to Him and teach him how to be a man of God. Every day I thank God for my son because he saved me. If it wasn't for him I would still be bound in sin. Thank you God for your undeserving grace!
